What do you do when you feel ashamed?
Written by Dr. Komal Gupta
Photo by Uday Mittal from Unsplash
Shame is defined as an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed” (Brown, 2021). You feel “less than” or “small” when compared to others (Tangney et al., 1996). Shame can be triggered by interpersonal situations as well as social or institutionalized practices, e.g., racism, sexism, classism (Hartling et al., 2000). Although shame is a universal emotion, the manifestation of shame can be different depending on the culture you identify with (May, 2017). For instance, in some South Asian cultures, there is a value placed on making sacrifices for the benefit of family or the community. As a result, someone could experience shame if they “go against” what is expected to maintain family pride and honor.
Here are a few examples of situations that can trigger shame:
You think it is your fault that a family member abused you.
You struggle with functioning because of anxiety, depression and/or alcoholism.
You chose an unconventional career path or a romantic partner that is not acceptable in your cultural or religious community.
Your boss gave you a negative review in the area that you were confident in.
You were unable to raise enough money for your startup.
You and your partner are having difficulty conceiving and you overhear gossiping from an aunty, “Something must be wrong with her. Poor guy is missing out on a baby because of her.”
When someone says to you: “You are not good at math? I thought all South Asians are good with numbers.”
Why is it important to learn about how we cope with shame?
Because denying, suppressing and avoiding shame can affect how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. By keeping shame locked in a closet, we give it more power over our daily lives (Hartling, 2000) and give up opportunities for love, a sense of belonging and connection (Brown, 2021).
Three ways we react to shame:
Dr. Linda Hartling and her colleagues (2000) identified three ways in which we cope with shame. Dr. Brené Brown coined these strategies as “shame shields”.
“Moving away”
You separate yourself from your relationships by withdrawing, silencing yourself, hiding or making yourself invisible, or keeping secrets.
“Moving toward”
You hide parts of yourself and try to please people in efforts to earn or maintain connection.
“Moving against”
You blame or direct anger and resentment towards people who you view as the source of your shame. You shame others for shaming you.
What can I do about the shame I feel?
By increasing our ability to identify shame, we can work towards decreasing its power over our lives. Since shame is magnified by secrecy, silence and judgment, the best antidote is to share what we are ashamed of with someone who can show us empathy and compassion (Brown, 2021). Identify a trusted family member, a friend, an ally, a therapist, or an online support group in which you can share your story. Remember that everyone struggles with shame at some point in their lives, and you do not need to be alone in your pain.
Resources
Brown, B. (2021) Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House Publishing
Hartling, L.M., Rosen, W., Walker, M., & Jordan, J.V. (2000). Shame and humiliation. From Isolation to Relational Transformation. Work in Progress, №88.
May, M. (2017). Shame: A System Psychodynamic Perspective (Chapter 2). The Value of Shame: Exploring a Health Resource in Cultural Contexts. Springer International Publishing.
Tangney, J.P., Flicker, L., Barlow, D.H., & Miller, R.S. (1996). Are shame, guilt and embarrassment distinct emotions? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70(6), 1256–1269
