Let’s talk about parental guilt and what to do about it.
Written by Dr. Komal Gupta
Photo by Daiga Ellaby from Unsplash
There is so much pressure from society to love children unconditionally, to never get angry or upset with them, to parent the “right way” and to provide “the best” at all times. So if you experience anything different from this ideal, you might encounter the pesky feeling of parental guilt. That feeling that you are doing something wrong or not doing enough for your child. That nagging worry that your child does not get enough love, time, attention, intervention and/or healthful food options. Feeling terrible when you did not “fall in love” with your child immediately or when you need time away from your child. The pang of guilt for behaving in ways similar to the parent you resented and promised to never be like. The “shoulds” that weigh on your mind when you are social media scrolling, reading parenting information, and receiving unsolicited parenting advice.
What do parents often feel guilty about?
The research says that parents can experience guilt for the following reasons (this is not an exhaustive list): (Haslam & Finch, 2016; Rotkirch & Janhunen, 2010)
not being a “good enough” parent.
putting their needs ahead of their child’s needs and preferences.
not spending enough time with their child.
feeling responsible when their child is upset.
being inconsistent with parenting or discipline.
concern about not providing enough love and/or attention
not having the energy to engage or be mentally present with their child.
self-expectations to be able to manage work and family better.
not being able to be home or with family.
thoughts of aggression or actual aggression towards a child.
regret about having a child or a wish to abandon a child.
engaging in preferential treatment towards one child.
expecting social disapproval for feeling disappointed with parenthood.
Can I completely get rid of parental guilt?
The goal is not to do away with parental guilt completely.
Parental guilt can be functional and informative at times. It can help us to evaluate whether changes need to be made if we did do something wrong or if there are ongoing challenges that require additional support.
Parental guilt often occurs in context of beliefs that we hold, unconsciously or consciously, about what parenting should look like. These beliefs are often rooted in internalized messaging that we have received from family, friends, culture and society. The guilt that we experience in relation to unrealistic beliefs about parenting is less helpful in our day-to-day lives.
How do I manage parental guilt when it shows up?
Dr. Emma Svanberg, perinatal and early parenthood expert, suggests asking yourself the following questions when guilt arises for you:
Are you doing something wrong?
Is it true? or based on some social, family, cultural narrative?
If you are doing something wrong, what can you do about it?
These questions can help you recognize what may be contributing to your guilt and to discern whether the guilt is realistic or based on unrealistic core beliefs you have about being a parent.
If you decide the guilt is unrealistic, then you can reframe the way you think about the situation by focusing on what you ARE doing for your child.
If you decide the guilt is indicating that you are doing something wrong, it can create space for you to consider what to do next. For example, let’s say you are experiencing increased stress and find yourself guiltily yelling at your child often, it might be helpful to make amends with your child, take responsibility for your yelling, and consider what YOU might need in efforts to manage your stress.
What should I do if I feel paralyzed by parental guilt?
Sometimes it can be difficult to identify the underlying patterns, beliefs, fears and emotion that exacerbate parental guilt. Seeking professional support can be helpful in navigating parental guilt, evaluating triggers in context of one’s personal history, and in learning strategies to reduce the volume of the guilt if unrealistic. If professional support is not an option, you can consider joining an online parent support group, talking to a trusted friend or person in your community and/or using a workbook to work through guilt.
References
Haslam, D. M., & Finch, J. (2016). The Guilt About Parenting Scale (GAPS). Parenting and Family Support Center, The University of Queensland, Australia.
Rotkirch, A. & Janhunen, K (2010). Maternal Guilt. Evolutionary Psychology (Vol.8, Issue 1). Population Research Institute.
