When you want to call someone “toxic”, try asking yourself these 3 questions instead.
Written by Dr. Komal Gupta
Many of us have been guilty of calling someone “toxic” - social media’s favorite buzz word. It can feel gratifying to package our painful emotions and blame someone else for all of it. However, viewing someone as “all bad” robs us of the opportunity to:
Identify our behavioral triggers and evaluate our options (if any)
Determine if boundaries can effectively address the situation (if possible)
Grieve our pain and process our emotions.
Viewing someone as “all bad” takes us from being in the driver seat of our lives to being the passenger. The next time you feel tempted to call someone “toxic”, try asking yourself these questions instead:
1. What specific behaviors triggered me?
“Toxic” is a vague word and is often used to describe behaviors that have offended/harmed us in some way. By identifying what specific behaviors upset you, you can figure out what your choices are and how you would like to respond to the person who upset you. Catalina Fortich, LMFT, compiled the following list of specific behaviors to consider instead of the umbrella term “toxic.”
2. Am I having difficulty setting a boundary?
Sometimes it can be easier to blame someone for being “toxic” rather than change how we respond to hurtful/harmful situations. For some adults, they may not be aware or even recognize that they have options to set a boundary for harmful behaviors. As a result, they tend to endure pain and suffering without further thought. Reflect on the following questions to determine if you are having difficult setting a boundary:
3. How is this making me feel?
It is natural to want to avoid processing painful experiences - it can feel easier to call someone “toxic” and just try to move on. However, this coping strategy often has the opposite effect - it makes it more difficult to move on until you process your emotions. Imagine a pressure cooker building up pressure with no release. According psychiatrist and author, Dr. Dan Siegel, one of the ways to reduce the intensity of feelings is to label what you are feeling (i.e., “name it to tame it”). When you think of the hurtful/harmful behaviors that you endured, what feelings come up for you?
If you have read social media posts on defining a toxic person, we could all probably identify with at least one trait that has been described. Even though it can feel satisfying to call someone “toxic” in the short-term, it often does not help us in the long-run.
